Patience

"I'm going to go take a shower."
I nod slowly and am only slightly disappointed that it means the relaxed morning is coming to an end.  The shower signifies the onset of the work day.  He will clean up and get out.  That's what we all do.  Reserving our lounge wear and bed head for only the most intimate of family and friends.  It is a badge that shows our comfort with each other. 
He walks to the bathroom and I follow shortly after silently padding down the hallway in my big fleece socks.  The cold weather making everyone giddy and anxious at the same time.  The bathroom door opens and I grab his hand and lead him to the bed.  It's not time to shower yet.  Now is the time for snuggles in the warm blankets and to steal a few seconds alone while the kids are distracted by yet another sibling argument.  He smells of the veggies he blended for his smoothie.  His breathing is strong and familiar.  The kids are strangely quiet.  Which we both know means they are looking for us.  We pull the blankets over our head and he says "don't move."  We don't move.  Even my self soothing foot rubbing stops.  The front door opens and I have to break our silence and tell them to not go outside.  With that, they run into the bedroom, jump on the bed and yank the blankets from our heads.  "We found you!"  Giant grins and giggles.  "Let's Battle!"  This is my cue to get out of the soft sanctuary.  A mylar Darth Vader balloon is being bounced around the room.  Giggles and screams are filling my ears and I thank my god for life.  For my children.  For him.  For the ability to see how great my life is.  For my breath.  For my body.  For those giggles.  For those screams.  For all the smiles. 
As of late I have been meditating, thinking, praying and contemplating patience.  I have come to the conclusion that I have a deficiency in patience.  I need more.  So, where do I get it?  The funny thing is....I already have it.  I just have to use it.  I have to find it.  It seems to be spread out all over my being.  It's hidden behind my left lung.  It's nestled in  my knee joint.  It is scattered into all these little pieces.  That is why I have such a hard time finding it when I really need it.  I need to pool it together somewhere easy to access.  I need my heart to be ensconced in a warm lapping pool of patience.  I can access it easier there.  There will be no frantic searching for a reservoir large enough to get me through that one stressor.  I want to swim in it.  I want this like I like it is a tangible thing.  I want this like I used to want certain kind of car, or a pet when I was little.  I need the skills to gather that patience and make it accessible. 
I recently went to a Buddhist center for meditation instruction.  I was asked why I was there.  I couldn't find the words then.  But, that is it. I need to learn to pool my patience. Gather all the shotgun blasts of patience that is scattered around my body.  Oh, what a better way to live.  To have an endless supply of patience.  That is better than a million dollars.  I think about the things I could do with that patience.  I could breathe easier.  I wouldn't snap.  I wouldn't be the mean mommy.  Happiness wouldn't evade me as much.
 So, this is my quest as of late.  Bringing those little liquid mercury like pools of patience together so they can join.  This is my mantra:  Feel it, Find it, Use it.  Be your true self. Sat Nam.  I can find it on the mat in practice.  I must access it when I don't need it. See it there and believe it will stay there and not dry up.  I have it within me.  Sat Nam.  Be my true self.  I have all the potential in the universe.