In the last month I have elected to wean myself from antidepressants. I started them six months ago as a result of Post Partum Depression. It really sucked having two wonderful boys one of the newborn and not being able to care. The Zoloft I was prescribed did its job and helped me manage anxiety and anger that seemed to devour every bit of my energy. My family noticed a difference and I was once again able to breathe. I stopped snapping at Evan and Jeremy. I was able to give myself emotionally again. My doctor told me she wanted me on them for a minimum of six months since PPD has been known to sneak back before you even knew it was hanging around the corner waiting for you. Once I noticed the difference in my psychology I decided that six months was the least I could do. Nightly I dropped a tiny blue pill into my mouth, tongued it back and swallowed. Waiting for calm...waiting for the calm. I noticed that even the idea of taking that cute little pill even helped me. If I had a stressful day I knew Captain Z would be waiting for me at home. All was great, right?
There were a number of things that I overlooked or laughed off while on Zoloft. I lost my memory. Not long term stuff...I still knew my name, which kids were mine and my address. Now, my phone number - that was another story. Which of my sons I was trying to speak to - hopeless. I found myself running through animal's names (even the dead ones). I had no short term memory. I actually bought a smart phone so I would have no reason to forget important dates like parties my son was to go to or dates bills were to be paid. You know, trivial stuff like that. When it got to the point that Jeremy's memory was better than mine I started to worry. Is this what it is like with two boys? Will I have a perpetual case of the stupids? Could this be the Zoloft?
The last question was starting to get a little more attention. It would seem that the side effects I was feeling were increasing. Strange that I have been taking them for six months and all of a sudden things are getting wonky. Jeremy came to me after a particularly dumb assed move and initiated a conversation about my lack of intelligence. To his credit, he never approached me like this. This is my translation of it all. He was concerned that I was a little too foggy for his comfort. I had been feeling the same way for the last month. I wondered if the drugs were putting me in a position where i am not giving my children all they needed. Yea, it was great that I was doing great with the anxiety and anger. But, I was stupid...yes, stupid. I couldn't carry on conversations with adults without stumbling for words or just downright forgetting what I was talking about. The last time I had this problem was when I was moving through the hapless teenage years of college. Shockingly enough, this conversation with Jeremy went very well. He had prepared himself for the very worst. Braced for the storm of crazy unexplainable emotions from me. I shocked him by agreeing with him on all the major topics.
As a result of this conversation I call my doctor the next day and spoke to them about reducing or stopping the pharmaceuticals all together. I was told to wean to a half dose for two weeks or so and if i was feeling well enough to stop taking them. So, that is what i did. Two weeks at a half dose and was doing pretty well. I spent alot of time waiting for the other shoe to drop but it went well. I felt well enough to stop the drugs all together. I also had to refill my prescription. It just worked out that I didn't refill the drugs. I left them to be restocked at Walgreen's. That was it. Completely anticlimactic and here I am two weeks without medication. I am doing well. But, when I started taking the medicine I never thought about possible withdrawal symptoms. I have spent the last two weeks with a bad case of the woosies. Thankfully the stupids seem to be abating. I started researching the possible withdrawal symptoms and there they were. All the little things that were starting to bother me were right there. I am looking forward to being rid of the sensation that my eyes have catch up with my head as I am looking at life. But, I feel good almost excited that I am feeling again. I didn't realize that I felt like I had a hard candy shell around me. It looked happy and full of color but it sure is hard to hear what is going on when you are stuck inside it.
Don't get me wrong. I do not in anyway regret taking medication to help me get through some seriously dark times. I just feel like I am actually at a point where I can see the humor in all this. Life is funny...I just hope I can remember how to be funny, too!
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